Tag: Spiritual Growth

I Beg Your Pardon, I Never Promised You a Pumpkin Garden
spiritual growth · Uncategorized

I Beg Your Pardon, I Never Promised You a Pumpkin Garden

Jacquelyn Sill1 Comment

So Fall is here, technically it arrived about a week ago, but for those of us who don’t have an alarm on our phones alerting us to its arrival on September 22, the season doesn’t arrive until the calendar flips to the month with the orange lettering. There are some things you should just wait for. Like Fall. And Christmas. And God’s promises to be fulfilled when it seems like maybe He has forgotten you, and you are sitting in the waiting room, and you begin to wonder if God left the building with a friend for a round of golf and a craft beer.

Psalm 27:13-14 has become a poignant verse for my husband and me over this year and last. It talks about waiting:

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”

Photo_6The verse was quoted to my husband and I when we met with the senior pastor of a large church in California following the announcement of my affair and the firing of my husband from his ministerial position. We went to the home of this pastor seeking advice and encouragement at one of the scariest times in our marriage. (Not, THE scariest time in our marriage…just one of them. Trust me, affairs may be bad news but, now that we are a little further away from it, my husband and I would both contest that burying our 19-month-old little girl was far more frightening).

When Pastor Chuck first said the verse I had images congruent with the TV show, The Walking Dead. My mind didn’t capture “the land of the living” without also imagining “the land of the no longer living”. My eyes rose from my sweaty glass of ice water, and looked across the sunny patio with a quizzical grimace. Pastor Chuck responded to the unspoken inquiry explaining that to see God’s goodness in the land of the living meant that we wouldn’t have to wait until we arrived in Heaven to see how God would use our terrible situation for good. We didn’t have to wait until the afterlife to have an understanding that everything was going to be okay. If we could be strong, wait for the Lord, and trust in His promises, we would see the hand of God and witness the unfolding of His plans while we were still alive on planet Earth.

This morning I happened across another verse that spoke of God’s promises:

“And because of His glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises.” 2 Peter 1:4

Photo_4He has given us precious promises. Wow. That lovely truth started my mind spinning to the variety of places claiming God’s promises. I remember hearing a hymn instructing me to stand on the promises of God. I’ve read where Corrie Ten Boom said “Let God’s promises shine on your problems”. And I once saw a really pretty meme with a sunset and a barn that said “God’s promises are like the stars; the darker the night the brighter they shine.” It has to be true if it has a sunset and barn, right?

But aside from accepting that God’s promises are true, my real question was, “What are His promises?” Because if I am waiting for something, I want to know what it looks like.

Photo_2As I began to pray, one thing became clear. I could see with clarity all the promises that are not from God. He never promised a lot of things that I hope for. God never promised that my vitamins would absorb, that the dog’s vet bill would be less than I made in tips last night, or that my hair color would last. He never promised that I wouldn’t need two new tires when it’s most inconvenient, or that Bank of America would wave their policies for loan approval. God didn’t promise that that your child’s self esteem would be high, or your interest rates low. He didn’t promise that your Mother-in-Law would be kind, that your neighbors would be friendly, or that you would conceive a child. He didn’t promise that our jobs would be fulfilling, that we would be cancer free, or that babies wouldn’t die. God never promised that there wouldn’t continue to be wrongful executions. He didn’t promise that slavery would end. He didn’t promise that we would no longer see injustice in our homes, our work places, our country and our world. He didn’t promise a lot of things I hope for.

PhotoSo what did he promise?

God promised that on our very worst day, He would be at His very best to conquer the demons who work to depress and diminish our spirits. God promised power to the weak and rest for the weary. He promised we would soar like eagles, not because our situation would change, but because our souls could be free.

And why should I care?

Because ultimately our desires sit on two different lists. The first set is the list of things that will show me and others that I’ve lived a righteous life. It can look material for some, but it’s not just about accumulating cars and houses. This is the list where you have a purpose in your job. It’s the list where you make a difference because you are using your gift; where the free will of others is significantly impacted by your influence. It’s the list where justice wins, sickness vanishes, and evil is revealed. It’s a good list, desirable indeed. The second list is what God does when those things don’t happen. It’s repetitive, but here goes: it’s finding peace and allowing things to be well with your soul when none of the things on the first list are happening.

Photo_1We are dependent on the second list because that is God’s promise. While the first list is glorious and certainly full of things I wouldn’t turn away, do you realize what happens when we have the first list without the second? If we were to receive all the things that we think we want, and not be clinging to God’s promise to sustain us when problems come knocking, do you know what we’d be? We would be a bunch of middle class Americans whining about all the other promises that were not fulfilled. In other words, to have the first set of promises fulfilled takes us exactly where we are today.

But why can’t I have both?

Because you’d stop caring about the second list. God knows us. And He knows what we can handle and what we cannot. And in as much as we believe that we were made to do great things, God knows that there are greater things than the achievements of man. The peace you find in Him pleases Him. Oh, you’ll still do great things, it just might be measured differently than you imagined. That’s a promise.

Beauty in the Aftermath
affair recovery

Beauty in the Aftermath

Jacquelyn Sill3 Comments

It was ten days after the affair had ended.

It was three days after my failure had been announced in a large public forum.

I wandered into my husband’s study and sat down at his computer and created this Blog-site.  As you may imagine, my head was spinning, my pride was still running rampant and there was a lot of humbling that still needed to be done in this train-wreck of a girl. In most ways, I had no business blogging. I didn’t have a clue about the trials that were coming our way.

A lifetime friend urged me to keep myself private, but as I stated, I was a prideful mess and I didn’t know how to submit to the wisdom of others. Like a caged animal, I thrashed around trying to escape the prison I had unwittingly created. Fortunately, God is bigger than the aftermath of our aftermath. He heard my cry for help in my first blog post, Exposure, and He drew near.

Since that time, God has humbled me in so many ways; He revealed where I needed to grow, and He continues to show me new areas everyday.

When I set up the blog I couldn’t imagine giving it a name. Honestly, I didn’t think it was more than a forum to unleash my ramblings to the seven people I originally invited to read. I had the blog settings on private. Even if someone had typed in the blog address they couldn’t get in and read it without an invitation. I never envisioned God using it in any way other than keeping me connected and accountable to a few safe people.

Over the last 13 months of writing, it has become obvious that writing is something I am called to do. It’s not obvious because of ease, because there is nothing easy about it. On a day to day basis, writing is one of the hardest things I do, but simultaneously, one of the things I crave. I probably don’t have to go into detail about why writing is hard.

nothing-to-writing-hemingway-quote-sign

So why the craving?

The craving comes from loving what you do and doing what you love. It’s about experiencing God in whatever that thing is that you do where you find Him. Joy comes when we are in a place that draws us closer to God.

Sure, confirmations from other people inspire us to continue.  Hearing from another person about the way they are being blessed by what we are creating means more than most of us know how to express, but complements mean nothing if we aren’t experiencing joy in the thing we are doing. If someone doesn’t enjoy reading and writing, affirmations alone will not bring enough joy to that person to compensate for the hours of reading and writing that they didn’t enjoy.

Also there’s this little oddity, a strength building joy comes from doing something you love that is equally hard because of the growth that comes through the enduring.

Growth doesn’t happen because someone tells you they liked what you did. It doesn’t work like that. Growth happens when we push ourselves beyond what we alone are capable of doing. In these instances, after we curse and cry, we make a choice. We either stop and find an easier path, or we lean into the hard thing until beauty arises in the chaos. As a believer we have the advantage of leaning into the Spirit of God. We aren’t in it alone.  

411737_10150619971141970_899374882_oIn 1995, our daughter, Molly Christine, died suddenly at the age of nineteen months and five days. That was easily one of the most formative things that had ever happened in my life. Following the Lord has been the most formative–but even my faith took a backseat to her loss for a while. The strange thing is, my faith didn’t take a backseat during the primitive days and years after losing Molly. It was quite the opposite, in fact. During the early awful times my faith was more real; more treasured.

There was true beauty in the aftermath of losing that little girl. In the most unexpected ways–beautiful things happened when we needed them to happen the most.

So here we are. A new crisis. A different crisis. A woman made crisis. My husband and I are walking another path of pain, and while sometimes we walk with the same stride–there are times we don’t. We both have immeasurable insecurities, but they come from different places. He has experienced a loss I will never fully understand. I experience guilt he absolutely cannot erase. As you might imagine, some days it’s extremely difficult to see beauty amid this mess.

We make choices.

Hearts lean in.

God shows His face.

Eyes adjust.

In those times we see beauty in the aftermath.

That One Time You Had to Move Heavy Rocks in the Desert #Beautiful #Growth
spiritual growth

That One Time You Had to Move Heavy Rocks in the Desert #Beautiful #Growth

Jacquelyn Sill6 Comments

This morning in an effort to encourage, my friend reached across the state line via text messaging and shared with me her daily devotional.  I had gone to bed the night before feeling restless and sad.  No one else knew how I was feeling, but the emotions had translated into a lot of tossing and turning in the night. Waking to her encouragement was timely, and I pondered on the passage she had shared.

As I sat with the verses, I could hear God calling me towards humility. I hadn’t thought of myself as being prideful, but suddenly, I could see my need to be humble before God. Alone at my kitchen table, I ate my breakfast and I communicated with God. I prayed out loud and admitted the areas of pride to which I have been selfishly clinging. I asked His forgiveness and sought His help to relinquish my self-imposed expertise on any matter involving my heart. My heart is an untrustworthy vessel, and it will only be through the transformation of the Holy Spirit that I will ever again trust its workings.

In this breakfast rendezvous with God, I remembered that His love is still greater than our failings. God’s mighty hand rules over us in pure gentleness. Like warm syrup falling across a waffle, his love embeds itself into us and into the crevasses we make available to him. The places we allow Him access to will be transformed by His love. The places we hold onto–will not change. We are incapable of change. He does the transforming–not us.

After finishing my breakfast, I looked at my list of things I needed for the day’s task.  My task for today was to begin the backyard remodel in our new home. The first step in our remodel is to move several hundred river rocks from the center of the backyard to the side yard. I was going to need some sturdy work gloves and a wheelbarrow.

Backyard pre-remodel

As I drove to the hardware store to purchase the wheelbarrow, something caught my eye. The streets had a different look about them. The rain had come to town for the last couple days, and now that it was gone–the flowers were in full bloom. When you live in the desert, you don’t miss a new blossom. I smiled at the thought of what the next year will be like–experiencing a new landscape with each new season.

Returning home I went right to work moving the rocks. It was a cooler day–92 degrees at 11:19 AM–so it seemed like as good of a time as any to jump in and make some progress. As I began to move the rocks, I was full of energy. I used each rock as a tool in my current challenge to memorize the book of James. With each stone I would say a word as I tossed it into the brand new wheelbarrow.

“James (clink) a (clink) servant (clink) of (clink) God (clink)…”

photo(2)I was certain that with each stone I moved, I was making a difference in the terrain of our yard. My husband would return home pleased with my progress, and he would be relieved that the heavy work was not all falling to him.

That lasted for about three loads in the no-longer-new wheelbarrow. I had just finished quoting James 2:13, Mercy (clink) triumphs (clink) over (clink) judgement (clink), when I turned to judge my rock moving, terrain changing progress.

River RocksNo change.

I slowly slid to the ground and sat on the hot stones. I used the back of my gloved hand to wipe the sweat off my forehead, and tried not to cry.

THIS IS TOO MUCH. THIS IS TOO HARD.

I could feel the heartache from the night before climbing back up in my chest. It was a determined climb–more determined than it had been in the morning. It was steadfast and mean, and it didn’t need help from a wheelbarrow to make the journey from my heart to my mind and then from my mind to my heart. The passageway was clear for travel. I began to survey the task I was attempting and compare it to what other people were probably doing.

My imagination began to build stories:

  • Other women, women of value, are dressed fashionably today–I am in a tattered, sweaty t-shirt.
  • Other women, women I admire, are spending their day accomplishing great deeds in the Kingdom of the Lord–I am moving rocks.
  • Other women, every other woman in the world, had the foresight to protect her household, to honor her husband, and to treat the people who trusted her with respect–I am a failure.

I sat on the hot river rocks and began to cry.

The tears were unpleasant, and because my hand was gloved, I couldn’t even wipe them away. The moment could have been lovely. In a field with flowers and shade trees–God could come and surround me and give me His comfort. But, not in this desert. There is no comfort among rocks.

“Humble yourself, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6

And with the scripture came an image of the color purple. My mind reeled back to the drive I had made earlier in the day. When I had pulled into the parking lot at Home Depot, the shrubs that I had seen several times since moving two weeks ago were blooming with brilliance. It was stunning and I was so moved by the plants, I pulled over to take pictures.

What moved me was that in God’s timing–He had changed the plants. They seemed to have erupted overnight. I had driven through the parking lot two days prior and didn’t see one flower, but in God’s due time, He had created something beautiful. So lovely that I couldn’t help but stop in the middle of the hardware parking lot, among the contractors in their trucks, and snap pictures of the lovely shrubs.

Home Depot, ArizonaLike parking lot attendants promoted to Royalty, they stood proudly, displaying their new attire for the season. After a time of rain, the King had clothed them in splendor. 

Purple majesty in ArizonaHe didn’t require anything from plants for the beauty in which He had so lavishly splayed on them, but they couldn’t help but lift their delicate branches upward–reaching to Him and giving Him the glory and honor that was due.

Bee in flight on lovely purple Arizona flowering shrubEven the smallest creatures were drawn to the beauty of the flowering shrubs. A bumblebee mid-flight snapped shots of the new blossoms, so that later he might Instagram his find. #newnectar #queensdelight

It amazes me how feeble our hearts can be. If we put our trust in the emotions that we feel throughout the day–we can find ourselves in a hot whirlwind of confusion. Lost in the desert, while holding a map and compass. Everything that this world offers proves to be untrustworthy. If we put our faith in the stories we conjure up in our imaginations, if we spend even one moment comparing our lives to the unrealistic life of someone else–we are doomed.  God wants to be involved in every step of this lifelong journey, not so we won’t fail. God isn’t afraid of our failures. He expects them, allows for them, but never, never turns away. He is on His throne in the midst of all that seems insurmountable, and He is also in the dirt lifting us up during those same insurmountable trials.  Through His methods He is transforming our lives from something hard and uninspired into something useful and lovely.

Moving rocks in the heat can feel torturous–but it is, yet, for a season. There is no reason to strive and worry. This is but a season, and each season has its own kind of beauty.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

 

His Love > his Love
affair recovery

His Love > his Love

Jacquelyn Sill1 Comment

If you want to see a small social media riot evolve, simply write a tweet in support of the Common Core Math Standards and watch your Twitter go viral. The controversial math standards have been in the headlines for months, and with the start of the new school year they have become the topic of many frustrated parent’s Facebook status updates.

Understanding Common Core is not a necessity in my life, which is probably a good thing because in my limited research for this post, I didn’t find much that left me feeling enlightened. I even visited a site that was Pro-Common Core, thinking they would do their best to explain the elementary school problems in a simplified way that made it easy to understand and thus gain supporters. No such luck–I was more confused after visiting blamecommoncore.com than before I read their featured article.

Perhaps I am atypical in my understanding of the new learning style, because to be fair, I am not a woman who is known for her love of math. Rather, I am a lover of words.

math meme

As a lover of words, I was in one of my happy spots last night when I was able to listen to Amena Brown create beauty with her words. The gifted poet was the key-note speaker at an event I attended at my church in Chandler, Arizona. While her husband, Matt “DJ Opdiggy” Owen, skillfully stylized music in the background she shared the truth of God’s love with her own stories and original spoken word poetry.  She shared briefly about her marriage, and she talked about how her understanding of God’s love was enhanced by the love of her husband. She said that she had realized that even as she enjoyed the fulfillment of her husband’s love in her life, God was still trying to get her to understand the magnitude of His love. She shared that God was saying to her,

Your husband’s love for you is just a tiny fraction of the love I have for you.

Amena Brown at Remix

As she shared the words, I felt a lump rise in my throat. It is true for me as well. As great as my husband’s love is for me–it is but a tiny, tiny fraction of the love that my Heavenly Father, who does not change like shifting shadows, has for me.

And my husband’s love speaks volumes.  You see, my husband’s love is obvious.  My husband’s love is tangible. I can feel it, I can see it. Others can, too. This is not a new love of something nearly lost. For years, if there was an attribute that defined my husband, it was his affectionate love for his wife.

At times my husband’s desire to be close to me, to engage me in conversation, to spend time with me has been “a force to be reckoned with” and those desires send this girl, who once replaced real intimacy with sex, running for the dark places in her mind.

To imagine a Heavenly Father who loves me more than this man is…well…unimaginable. And yet, it’s true. God’s love may seem unimaginable and unfathomable–but it’s real and it’s demonstrated in ways that are equally obvious and equally tangible.

Several months ago I received a piece of hate mail that spawned my entitled Stop Being Happy on Facebook post. In the article I shared that I had received a letter from a woman who was offended that I had been sharing my story of surviving my own infidelity on my blog.  She wouldn’t have a problem with my journey if I were “the victim” but since I caused all the pain, my thoughts and my journey were an affront to her.

In the letter she stated, “…you think you are above reproach for what you did just because your husband forgave you.” Apparently, it was an assault to her that I was moving forward and that I was proud of the way my husband had behaved when he discovered the truth about the relationship I had been cultivating with another man. Fortunately, the words didn’t stick on my skin for more than a few hours. I woke in the early hours and realized that I don’t THINK I am above reproach for what I’ve done because my husband forgave me. I KNOW I am  above reproach for the sin of adultery because God forgave me. Even without the love and the support of my husband–my sin is abolished.

I am grateful every single day that my husband chose to stay with me, but the reality is, even if he had asked me to move out, I would still be forgiven and I would still be above reproach for the sin I once chose. My repentance is what leads me to a new life, not the love of a man. Christ took my sin away, and it doesn’t own me anymore.

It’s a concept that can seem confusing because my husband and I are experiencing so much hope. Because of my husband’s forgiveness towards me the love of God has been penetrating our lives and His Grace has been transforming our marriage. The restoration of our marriage is vital to us, as it is to our children, but the restoration of me as an individual is the core of what makes the marital restoration even possible. God had a strong call on me to turn away from my sin and confess it to my husband, but He had an even stronger call on me to turn away from my sin and turn in repentance towards Him.  Understanding God’s love, and not running away from intimacy with Him and into the dark places in my mind–is something that I have to learn to sit with and embrace or I will never be able to fully embrace the love my husband wants to give so freely.

It’s not as confusing as trying to solve a simple math problem using common core and it doesn’t raise the same controversy, but when I write honestly about it, it can certainly raise a few comments in my inbox. People like problems that are easy to solve–the kind where one plus one equals two. But, for my husband and I–that equation didn’t add up, and now I have to daily decrease, so that God can increase. With less of me and more of Him–the math that works is one plus one plus the One equals one.