Tag: marriage after an affair

Back to Our Future, aka: We’re Moving!
Community · marriage

Back to Our Future, aka: We’re Moving!

Jacquelyn Sill3 Comments


It was 1988, I had been a Christian for less than 2 years, David was one month out of Bible college, and we were three weeks into our marriage, when we left California and drove across the country to Danville, Illinois, where my husband had taken a job as a Youth Pastor. During the transition, people called us “fearless.” Honestly, we weren’t fearless. Clueless, perhaps–but fearless? Not even close.

We learned pretty early on that our lifestyle was different than our peers, as their date nights and toddler’s schedules didn’t revolve around other people’s teenagers. Investing in someone else’s teenager is much like a welcoming a virus into your home, as the joys and trials overtake your thoughts, conversations, and family activities.

In the two decades that followed, we were both blessed and exasperated by the hundreds of young people we encountered living and ministering in the midwest and Southern California. We witnessed teenage friendships evolve into dating relationships that sometimes resulted in marriages, and then we experienced the joy of watching most of those marriages thrive and the grief when some of the marriages ended in divorce. My husband stood beside a young man when the frightened seventeen-year-old told his parents that his girlfriend was pregnant, and thanks to social media, we’ve watched that unplanned child be loved as she grew into a beautiful young woman. To say the least, our lives were positively altered by the teenagers who allowed us to be a part of their lives.

Over the course of the last decade, David’s ministry role within the church shifted. He was subtly ushered into jobs that were highly administrative and less relational. It would take several blog posts to explain how the transition began, how we each responded to and resisted these new roles and the way the undesired change affected his self-esteem, self-confidence, and ultimately our marriage. Mentioning the shift is irrelevant anyway, except in that it eventually frustrated us both to the point of asking questions in regards to what we wanted out of life, and the ways in which we each desired to serve the Lord and the community.

We began asking each other the romanticized question, “If money were no object, what would you do?” My answer was easy and obvious (#amwriting). David’s took months of contemplation to be realized.

After much prayer, consideration, and conversation, David is leaving his career as a Pastor to become a High School teacher.

Days after David made this decision, I woke up with random thoughts of Ruth Bell Graham, wife of Billy Graham. My heart sank as I compared myself to the upstanding woman. I thought, perhaps, if David had married a woman like Ruth, his life might have turned out so differently. Those in church leadership might value all he has to offer.  I blamed myself, the selfishness of my infidelity, for David’s life taking such a dramatic change. I felt as if I robbed him of a great life.

Once I was able to conjugate my shame into words, I shared my brokenness with my husband.

“If you had married someone like Ruth Graham, you wouldn’t be leaving the ministry,” I whispered through restrained tears.

“Who says I’m leaving the ministry?” he responded, “I’ll never stop doing ministry…and besides, if this is what comes of everything that happened, then GOOD! I couldn’t be more pleased,” and in his gentleness, he pulled me out of myself and into his belief.

And, he’s right. I can see how he will love these students and how they will bless his life. This man was created to be involved in the lives of students; he is a natural shepherd, a breathing example of God’s love as it is available through Christ. So, we leave the life we have always known for the life we once knew.

But, where?

95ccea7ce7a76aa1011145a2d49a9c43Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “the third time is a charm”, but do you know it’s folk history? The saying evolved from a British law, which said any person who survived three hanging attempts would be set free. The law came about in 1885 when a West Country sailor was convicted of murder and sentenced to death by hanging. After three failed attempts, the sailor was imprisoned and later released. He died a free man in the 1940’s.

Likewise, after two attempts at living in the Antelope Valley we are returning for the third time to live in the high desert of California. Beginning August 8th, David will be teaching at a public High School, and we will be investing in the community that has twice before been our home.  We are eager for whatever God has planned as we return to living in the wide open spaces, amid the wild poppies and Joshua Trees. Our hope is that the third time will be a charm, and this will be our final relocation. We have felt for a while that ‘the best is yet to come’, and we see that in going back we are moving forward. 

Beauty in the Aftermath
affair recovery

Beauty in the Aftermath

Jacquelyn Sill3 Comments

It was ten days after the affair had ended.

It was three days after my failure had been announced in a large public forum.

I wandered into my husband’s study and sat down at his computer and created this Blog-site.  As you may imagine, my head was spinning, my pride was still running rampant and there was a lot of humbling that still needed to be done in this train-wreck of a girl. In most ways, I had no business blogging. I didn’t have a clue about the trials that were coming our way.

A lifetime friend urged me to keep myself private, but as I stated, I was a prideful mess and I didn’t know how to submit to the wisdom of others. Like a caged animal, I thrashed around trying to escape the prison I had unwittingly created. Fortunately, God is bigger than the aftermath of our aftermath. He heard my cry for help in my first blog post, Exposure, and He drew near.

Since that time, God has humbled me in so many ways; He revealed where I needed to grow, and He continues to show me new areas everyday.

When I set up the blog I couldn’t imagine giving it a name. Honestly, I didn’t think it was more than a forum to unleash my ramblings to the seven people I originally invited to read. I had the blog settings on private. Even if someone had typed in the blog address they couldn’t get in and read it without an invitation. I never envisioned God using it in any way other than keeping me connected and accountable to a few safe people.

Over the last 13 months of writing, it has become obvious that writing is something I am called to do. It’s not obvious because of ease, because there is nothing easy about it. On a day to day basis, writing is one of the hardest things I do, but simultaneously, one of the things I crave. I probably don’t have to go into detail about why writing is hard.

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So why the craving?

The craving comes from loving what you do and doing what you love. It’s about experiencing God in whatever that thing is that you do where you find Him. Joy comes when we are in a place that draws us closer to God.

Sure, confirmations from other people inspire us to continue.  Hearing from another person about the way they are being blessed by what we are creating means more than most of us know how to express, but complements mean nothing if we aren’t experiencing joy in the thing we are doing. If someone doesn’t enjoy reading and writing, affirmations alone will not bring enough joy to that person to compensate for the hours of reading and writing that they didn’t enjoy.

Also there’s this little oddity, a strength building joy comes from doing something you love that is equally hard because of the growth that comes through the enduring.

Growth doesn’t happen because someone tells you they liked what you did. It doesn’t work like that. Growth happens when we push ourselves beyond what we alone are capable of doing. In these instances, after we curse and cry, we make a choice. We either stop and find an easier path, or we lean into the hard thing until beauty arises in the chaos. As a believer we have the advantage of leaning into the Spirit of God. We aren’t in it alone.  

411737_10150619971141970_899374882_oIn 1995, our daughter, Molly Christine, died suddenly at the age of nineteen months and five days. That was easily one of the most formative things that had ever happened in my life. Following the Lord has been the most formative–but even my faith took a backseat to her loss for a while. The strange thing is, my faith didn’t take a backseat during the primitive days and years after losing Molly. It was quite the opposite, in fact. During the early awful times my faith was more real; more treasured.

There was true beauty in the aftermath of losing that little girl. In the most unexpected ways–beautiful things happened when we needed them to happen the most.

So here we are. A new crisis. A different crisis. A woman made crisis. My husband and I are walking another path of pain, and while sometimes we walk with the same stride–there are times we don’t. We both have immeasurable insecurities, but they come from different places. He has experienced a loss I will never fully understand. I experience guilt he absolutely cannot erase. As you might imagine, some days it’s extremely difficult to see beauty amid this mess.

We make choices.

Hearts lean in.

God shows His face.

Eyes adjust.

In those times we see beauty in the aftermath.

He said, She said
affair recovery · marriage

He said, She said

Jacquelyn Sill14 Comments

heartsHe said he would be her friend.

She said she had never had a friend like him.

He said, “Let’s take a walk on the beach.”

She said, “You can hold my hand.”

He said, “I’ll write to you from England.”

She said, “You can kiss me goodbye.”

He said, “I want a Christmas wedding.”

She said “I do.”

He said, “I hope we have a girl.”

She said, “I can’t believe we have a daughter!”

He said, “Don’t be afraid to love a baby boy”

She said, “I like the name Austin.”

He said, “God loves this baby.”

She said, “I think her name is Molly.”

He said, “Our family is complete.”

She said, “I’m pregnant…again.”

He said, “We will hold our baby girl in heaven.”

She said, “I’m clinging to that truth.”

He said, “We need to find another church home.”

She said, “I will follow you anywhere.”

He said that he was sorry.

She said that it wasn’t his fault.

He said, “There’s been a car accident”

She said, “I loved Dan, too.”

He said, “My Mom is gone.”

She said, “I’m sorry.”

He said, “That boy wants to marry our daughter.”

She said, “I want him to marry her, too”

He said, “Our son is going to marry that girl.”

She said, “I certainly hope so.”

He said, “I can’t wait to be a Grandpa”

She said, “No one will do it better.”

He said, “What’s wrong?”

She said, “I lied and I fell.”

He said, “I forgive you.”

She said, “I messed everything up.”

He said, “I love you more.”

She couldn’t respond.

He said, “God has a plan.”

She said, “I believe you.”

He said she was his best friend.

She said she had never had a friend like him.

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The Twenty-Seventh List
affair recovery · marriage

The Twenty-Seventh List

Jacquelyn Sill17 Comments

The Twenty-Seventh ListTomorrow is the day of our Twenty-Seventh Wedding Anniversary. For 10 months I’ve wondered what this day will feel like. There has been a list of reasons why this day was to be dreaded.

After any crisis, when we encounter holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, there is added weight to the calendar. We learned about this nearly two decades ago after our daughter died. When we were in the beginning stages of grieving, her birthday didn’t just arrive. It occurred in extremes. As we moved closer to the date, with no party to plan, our mood shifted downward. Then there was the mind-blowing low as we acknowledged the reality that our nineteen-month old would never age, accompanied by a calm peace as we (somehow) survived this knowledge. Throughout the actual date of her birthday, friends and family reached out and demonstrated their love to us, and we were catapulted to a high. Their acts of kindness lifting us heavenward, towards her. Towards Him.

This crisis of marital infidelity takes out stones and lodges them at my calendar. A heavy awareness of broken vows weighs me down when I think of my wedding anniversary. My own mind throws the stones, and each stone tears a hole in the calendar, as if it is trying to rip the 18th of December from time and erase it completely.

You see, when we celebrate we are essentially saying, “Good job!” After an affair, do we utter such an absurdity? It feels false. It feels as authentic as congratulating a drunk driver for surviving a collision. Sitting here, the day before our Anniversary, my mind reels at the thought of how we will navigate through the day.

Overhead clouds roll in and respond to my aching heart. As the dark rain clouds release themselves, everything slows down for a few hours. I look out the window and watch as the desert ground absorbs the moisture, and I wonder if this year, this horribly-hard-year, is to be the defining year for our marriage. Will the betrayal of last year absorb itself into our lives for good? There are twenty-seven years to consider, but it seems as if it all comes back to this horribly-hard-year.

I find myself trying to remember something significant from each year we’ve been married. There has to be more to our marriage than this horribly-hard-year. If this is the sum of it all then let the stones have their way and rip this date from the existence of time. Without a verbal prompt, I grab a dry-erase marker and board. I begin to make a list.

I list memorable moments in our marriage. I try to think of everything that may stand out in each of the twenty-seven years. I use a calculator to keep track of the years and the ages of our children. Over the course of the afternoon, I continue listing small, somewhat meaningless events and activities.

I am making what I call The Twenty-Seventh List, but I stop before I’ve reached the end. I am afraid to list anything from the horribly-hard-year. Our marriage is made up of so much more than what we’ve been living through lately.

The Twenty-Seventh List: (an overview)

I note the times we have relocated because of ministry. Three weeks after our wedding, rather than taking a job where we could stay near family, we began our marriage by relocating to another state and taking the responsibility of a full time ministry position. It was just the two of us and we were beyond frightened, but we believed that God would provide us a community and life in the unfamiliar land.

I note the homes we have bought together; there were four. My husband and I have survived escrow together on four occasions–surely that alone is worth some type of celebration.

I note the animals who have been a part of our family. Dogs & cats, turtles & fish–too many to disclose. The names of each animal bringing about a memory that causes a grin or a grimace. Which memory was the most heartbreaking? It’s a tie between, Sami-girl, everyone’s favorite poodle mix who disappeared one Fourth of July, and Maximas the black Godfather cat who was run down in front of our home on Christmas Eve.

I note the four greatest blessings to ever grace the home of an undeserving couple.  In the seventh year of our marriage, for a short amount of time, we lived in a household with all four of our children. Everyone was born and no one had died. Every night there were four little bodies to feed and bathe. Jammies had feet, cups had lids, and everyone had a blankie. We were aware that time was fleeting, but we weren’t aware that everyone’s clock wasn’t set to the same timer.

I note the day our daughter died. Passion turned to depression. Pain turned to more pain. Hard turned to perseverance.

I note the bicycles, scooters and cars given as gifts. The dance attire and graduation gowns. The California Missions projects, photo shoots, and science fair failures. I note the piano lessons gone wrong and baseball games gone well. I note the yard sales, overseas missions trips, and sleepovers. I note the wedding engagements and the evolving nature of our still extending family.

I note the day our daughter told us we were to be grandparents. An unexpected fear had come over me when she shared her news. I knew what it felt like to love and lose a child. For her to love greatly would mean that one day she may hurt greatly.

I note the look on our granddaughter’s face two weeks ago. When this little one came to visit, she knew us. This little perfect girl knew her Papa and Mimi.

10448699_10152640953166970_4820699958563815258_oHere’s the thing. Not one good thing on the list makes the whole of our marriage anymore than any one failure makes the whole of our marriage. To survive this horribly-hard-year we are reliant on grace. To survive any marriage, the players are reliant on grace. A wedding anniversary is a day to celebrate a series of days where two people were successful at treating one another with more grace than either one deserved. This year we are celebrating twenty-seven years of failures and successes. Neither being more significant than the other. Our failures have worked their own good, in the same way that our successes have been stumbling blocks.

Tomorrow is the day of our Twenty-Seventh Wedding Anniversary. For 10 months I’ve wondered what this day will feel like. There is a list of reasons why this day is to be celebrated.

A Husband’s Choice
affair recovery

A Husband’s Choice

Jacquelyn Sill10 Comments

My husband stood at the front of the hall, looking handsome in a dark jacket as he made last minute preparations for a ceremony he would soon officiate. The room was filled with about twenty formal dining tables, and guests were trickling in and finding their assigned seats. I found my place at table #5, glanced around the room and finally allowed my eyes to settle on the beautiful sunset coming to life outside the large windows.  As I waited for the ceremony to begin, a lighthearted conversation developed between myself and a woman seated to my left. We mentioned the weather, commented on the decor, and complimented the other on her accessories.

And then the conversation shifted. You know what I am talking about: We unintentionally found ourselves in a meaningful conversation which pulled strangers beyond the guest list and into a spiritual and transformational moment.

Somehow in a conversation about why my husband and I relocated from California to Arizona, the topic of my infidelity came up. (This is where my closest friends shake their heads and mutter, “…of course it did.” )  My willingness to talk openly and be transparent about what has transpired in my life over the last year may seem like an oddity to some, but I have come to learn that while I am in the minority of those who talk about what we are going through, I am (sadly) not in the minority of those who have gone through it.

After I had shared with the woman at my table about my infidelity there was a little awkwardness. It happens. I am learning to be okay with that uncomfortable moment, because I remind myself that the person is processing what has been shared. Their inner conflict has little to do with me and much more to do with their own story. I don’t know their story, and I work hard to not guess what it may hold. I’ve received messages and have had conversations with people who have been unfaithful, people who have been betrayed, and adult children who have watched their parents navigate this path.

For this particular woman it took about ten minutes before she opened up and began to share. She leaned in and whispered, “How did your husband let it go?”

Following her initial question came her story. She shared the details of a familiar storyline that included betrayal and heartbreak.  Even though I’ve had other interactions with women whose husbands have been unfaithful, I am always awestruck. It amazes me that this woman didn’t throw water in my face, accuse me of being a “woman-like-that”, and move to another table. What draws a woman who has been betrayed to seek community with a woman who once betrayed?

She related how her husband’s actions were still affecting her. It had been several years since the affair had happened and ended, and she couldn’t let it go. She couldn’t walk away from the wounded place of disbelief. And living in that place where she had been wounded had transformed her into an angry woman. She admitted that she treated her husband differently than every other person in her life.

She shared how slowly, over time her husband had become the target of all her disappointment. Her rage and her anger were consistently aimed at him. At one point she asked, “How did your husband stop that from happening? How did he move forward and forgive you?”

It was frightening to hear the details of the way her anger was affecting her marriage. It was even more frightening that she was asking me for input. She was asking me a new question. She was asking me how my husband had navigated this journey. My heart pounded a little differently as I told her simply and honestly, “I don’t know if I can answer that for you.”

And my answer made me feel a new wave of shame.

My selfishness did not end with the affair. As I had been so focused on my own discovery and path to recovery, I had failed to ask my husband a basic question. Why did his forgiveness come so quickly? We have talked about a lot of things he has experienced, but I had never asked him that particular question.

During my affair my husband was an unhappy man. He was lonely, and he felt an isolation he didn’t understand. For over half of his life I had been his partner and his best friend. During this brutal time he felt more alone than any other time in his life. He couldn’t comprehend what the root of the problem could be or what to do to bridge the ever widening gap between us. Even when we were together, I was absent. The more he would try to engage me, the more I would pull away.

After the affair was disclosed he saw hope. He immediately understood his own sense of isolation and abandonment. Things he was questioning and witnessing with his own eyes suddenly made sense. There was a freedom that came to him in the knowledge of the truth because it meant he was not losing his mind.

Anymore, my husband and I don’t spend a lot of time talking about what our marriage was like during the affair. I ache for my husband when he has a reminder of that time period. At this point in our marriage, there is only death in going back to that place. Life comes with everything that has followed since the affair.

This was an “after-the-affair” question; maybe it would be life giving to talk about it. It made me feel selfish that it hadn’t been discussed to the point in which I could answer the woman’s question easily, so my motivation for asking him was also to break any barrier that may still exist between us.

After a few days, I finally worked through my own pride, shame and guilt and breached the question to my husband, “How did you forgive me for everything so easily?”  As soon as the words “so easily” had rolled off my tongue, I was filled with regret.

  • How in the hell would I know how easy or how difficult it was for him to forgive me?
  • Can I read his heart?
  • Had I been assuming it wasn’t hard for him to forgive me?

The entirety of that conversation cannot be shared in one blog post, because honestly–it’s still happening. That was the first of an ongoing dialog about forgiveness.

My embarrassment over having used the term “so easily”, and my profuse apologies for assuming it was easy made us both aware that there is a difference between something being done easily verses something being done quickly.

Just because someone does something quickly and intentionally does not mean it was done easily.

In 2008 there was a video surfing the internet. It was filmed during a Women’s Collegiate 600 Meter race where Heather Dorniden was the favored frontrunner. During the first 200 meters of the race the commentators are generous in their appreciation of her style and the likelihood of her win.

Then Heather falls.

What happens to Heather immediately after she falls is almost not even on the screen. The cameras are moving with the runners who didn’t fall, but at the edge of the screen you can see Heather get up and start running immediately. She does not hesitate even for one minute.

She runs hard and fierce and she not only catches up to the other runners, but she passes them. She races like a winner, and rightfully so, because in a photo finish…she wins. Had she not gotten up, she would not have finished. Had she hesitated to get up for one second, she would not have won.  Victory came to her because she responded quickly.

The day my husband learned his wife was guilty of the worst kind of betrayal, he had to make a choice: quick & hard or slow & harder. Because that’s one of the realities about an unforgiving heart. What starts as hard, will oftentimes become harder. And in the same way that hard can transition to harder, the difficulty continues to transform. Eventually slow & harder can evolve into something far worse: never & bitter.

When the word “bitter” comes up, my husband is quick to identify his desire to stay far away from bitterness as being a huge influence. He has difficulty remembering exactly what his thoughts were to break it down completely. He says it was love. He knows it was the Holy Spirit.  Whatever the motivation, it appears as though my husband made a quick choice to forgive me on the first day he learned of my infidelity.

But I am not sure that’s what really happened.

The more I’ve considered the patterns of his life, the more certain I am that my husband made the choice to run a race with a grace-filled forgiving mindset long before his wife was unfaithful. Long before his wife had an affair he had allowed himself to be transformed into someone who would choose grace and forgiveness. The decision came quickly because the decision had already been made.

He was intentional with forgiveness because grace was part of the nature he had been striving towards long before it was needed. He was ready to run in the way that was most Christlike. He was ready to run in a way that would make us both stronger so we might both cross the finish line.

 

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Elle est Forte: Proverbs 31 and the Adulteress
affair recovery · spiritual growth

Elle est Forte: Proverbs 31 and the Adulteress

Jacquelyn Sill19 Comments
I am a Pastor’s wife who was caught in adultery. After my affair was announced publicly I made a deal with my Bible:

I would read diligently, study regularly, and memorize its passages consistently. I would ponder on the wanderings of the children of Israel and the mishaps of the multiple Kings. I would take special notice of the failure of King David and the purpose of Queen Esther. I would sit at the feet of Jesus, witness the resurrection, and follow Paul into the prisons. The only thing I asked in return from my bulky, leather bound friend was to guard and shield me from ever again having to read about the Proverbs 31 Woman.

Prior to my public moral failure, I found no offense in reading of her ways. I wasn’t crazy about the busyness of her days, but I understood the list of her attributes to be a call for women strive for a life of valor.  In the summer of 2012 when I read the blog post, Women of Valor by Rachel Held Evens, I shouted–“eshet chayil”! I hoped that somewhere in the 21 verse poem there was room for me.

Then I allowed my sinful desires to take control of my life and lead me down the path of destruction.

Proverbs 31 speaks of a wife who is honorable. It speaks of a husband who is blessed by her. Her husband has full confidence in her, because she brings good into his life. She is not burdened with self-inflicted shame, has no fears for her future, and has the ability to provide wisdom to others: 

“A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.

…She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

This is only a partial segment of a likeness that was now and forevermore out of my reach. Reading it was downright frightening. I found it easier to relate to the woman described in John 8:

At dawn he { Jesus } appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him,and he sat down to teach them.  The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”

I don’t know what clothing the woman in John 8 was wearing when she was brought before the church leaders. I’ve tried to imagine her. I believe she is clothed in shame. I see her messy hair and her bare feet.  Even though her ragged clothing covers her body–she pulls at the neckline of her dress in an attempt to cover her self-perceived nakedness. She looks down at her guilty hands and wonders if these are to be her last moments on earth. She is not laughing at the days to come.

There is a vast difference between a woman who is worth far more than rubies and a woman people would like to stone.

I understood the difference, so I made the deal with my Bible. I would glean all that I could from any of the other Bible passages, and I would let the women who had earned the right to be clothed in strength and dignity wear those clothes.

 

And time passed…

It was a warm summer evening when I gathered with some ladies for a farewell party. The hostess had purposed a craft for us to work on together while we sipped pink cocktails and nibbled on caloric finger-foods. We were making truth-cards. These were small works of art we would be able to refer back to when future days were long and daunting.

It was on this evening my daughter honored me by presenting me with a truth-card constructed with the words, “elle est forte”. She translated the words, “she is strong” and went on to say how much strength she saw in me. On the back she wrote words of love and grace. I was honored deeply.

FullSizeRender(3)The moment moved me to tears. This was my adult, married daughter to whom I had lied. The young woman whose father I had betrayed. My example of how to be a godly woman and wife had been trashed before her very eyes in a public venue. My greatest failure was announced to my church coworkers–who happened to be her closest friends. My worst nightmares of how I might one day disappoint my daughter did not compare with what had actually happened. There was no other woman in the world that I would have wanted to honor me publicly.

 

And more time passed…

Months later, of all the truth-cards that were given to me that evening, the one from my daughter stood out.

The giver. The message. The poetic nature.

I decided to commission a jewelry designer to fashion the phrase into a necklace. I wanted to own this message and make a declaration. I had been weak when I was dragged away and enticed by my own evil desires, but I am strong when I am humbled in a heap at the feet of the Lord. To be strong in Christ is our greatest strength, and to own it fiercely is a passageway to life abundant.

I ordered my custom necklace from Be Well Threads. The online shop’s owner isn’t merely a crafting entrepreneur, she is a woman of Ministry. She is living a life of valor. She knows my story, was among those to whom I lied, and still chose to respond with grace and mercy.

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It was a short time later, I first saw my necklace online. My jewelry designer posted a picture of the new creation on Facebook and Instagram. She tagged me in each post, and my anticipation for it’s arrival increased. I couldn’t wait to wear and declare my strength!

FullSizeRender(2)The day the necklace arrived was the day a woman caught in adultery came face to face with the Proverbs 31 woman. You see, included in the packaging was a note of encouragement from the designer, and on the inside of the card she had inscribed the words found in Proverbs 31:25.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    and laughs without fear of the future.”

I was dumbfounded. Why on earth would this woman, who clearly knew my failings, use this verse?  My inquisitive nature kicked in and I referred to Google. What was the root of this, “Elle est Forte”?

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Click this picture to connect to Etsy where you can order Elle est Forte clothing from “She is Clothing”

What I didn’t realize when I ordered the necklace was our culture’s current connection of the French term, “Elle est forte” to Proverbs 31:25.  Several designers have been fashioning graphics using the term in direct correlation to the Bible verse. I was completely shocked. Had I known prior to ordering that the term “Elle est forte” was associated with the one book I was attempting to avoid, I would have never requested the necklace be made.

I called my daughter and asked her if she was aware of the connection of term “Elle est forte” to the Proverbs 31 Woman.

Now, if you have had the blessing of raising a daughter through the teen years and into adulthood, you will relate when I say I could hear my daughter’s “eye-rolling”. With a soft, “yes, Mom” she confirmed that she was fully aware of the connection between the two.

My daughter had known she was referring to Proverbs 31 when she had publicly called me “Elle est forte”. My jewelry designer had known she was declaring Proverbs 31 when she tagged me in a posted picture of the necklace on Facebook.  However, if it hadn’t been for the inscription on the card that came with my necklace, I still may not have connected the dots.

The whole incident left me very confused.

  • How was it that my daughter was not seeing that I could no longer be called a Proverbs 31 Woman?
  • Didn’t she see the hypocrisy in my claiming label to anything associated with Proverbs 31?
  • If I lay claim to anything associated with a wife of noble character, will God consider it a mockery?

The deal I had made with my Bible was broken.  It was time for the two of us to spend some time dealing with this new development. I was going to have to pour into Proverbs 31:10-31 and unpack its meaning.

I believed there were secrets hidden in this ancient poem. Secrets the Lord planted there so that His word would draw all of mankind toward him. Even those who hadn’t earned that right.

Silently, I prayed for God to show me how I could hear His word with the knowledge of my depraved behavior.

As I prayed, I felt God ask me, “Jackie, how would you have me share this verse with the Woman from John 8? How would you have me give these words to her? I am God, and I inspired these words long before that day in the Temple Courts. Do you not think I thought of her when these words were penned?”

I heard the Lord clearly. If I didn’t have a belief in these words for myself, perhaps I could discover truth in God’s words for her sake.  If I were standing in the Temple Courts on the day she was nearly stoned for her sin, and I saw her brokenness, how would I relate these words to her in a way that she might feel closer to God–and not further away from Him?

When it came to the history of the Woman from John 8 there seemed to be very little recorded. It was almost as if the Lord intended her to be anonymous enough that she could be any of us.  I spent the afternoon reading and researching, but nothing I came up with was giving me a clue as to how these verses could help her in an attempt to lead a life claiming, “eshet chayil”! It made me wonder if her history had little to do with her future. Perhaps the day she was caught in adultery was to be the biggest blessing in her life–her ticket to a life lived with valor.

I opened my journal and wrote a letter to this woman who had avoided the stones:

My sister,

On your own, you will never be a wife of noble character, have a worth exceeding rubies, garnish your husband’s full confidence, wear strength or dignity, laugh at what is coming, or speak wisdom and instruction. No, you alone, will never be those things. They cannot exist in you alone.

These verses aren’t for one woman to achieve in herself. God gave these words to draw out the most perfect attributes of His church. God gave these verses to encourage and instruct His people in their quest to be His noble wife. We are not called as individuals to become a Proverbs 31 Woman, we are called as a body to become the Bride of Christ. These are the words we achieve for one another as a body.

The day you sat in the dirt waiting for the first stone to come at you, you were far from being a noble wife. In your eyes. But in the eyes of Christ, there was a nobility coming that would be bought through His suffering. He knew this, so he made a call for grace.

His blood would soon make you noble.

In that moment the men dropped their stones against you, and as they did this they were not only clothing themselves with strength and dignity, they were on the path to clothing you with strength and dignity.

Stones dropped to the ground were clothing you with strength.

When you left the Temple Courts dirty and ashamed, your future looked bleak. The days ahead held uncertainty. It was in those days that other believers surrounded you, loved on you, and laughed at the days ahead for you.

When you couldn’t believe and find laughter, others believed for you.

A life of valor comes to us when we envision a life of valor for someone who cannot see it in themselves, and I believe in all these things for you, Woman of John 8.

Proverbs 31 is a call for the church to be honorable. It speaks of a God who is blessed by her. God has full confidence in her, because she brings good into the life of His children. He does not want her to be burdened with self-inflicted shame. 

To be strong in Christ for another is our greatest strength, and to own it fiercely for someone who is struggling is a passageway to life abundant.

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…She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

Outtakes of a Crisis
affair recovery · marriage

Outtakes of a Crisis

Jacquelyn Sill24 Comments

Over the last 12 weeks, David and I have been on a journey, and because we had our situation announced to the large ministry I was a part of, we decided that we would not hide what was happening in our lives from the people who were interested and invested in walking this journey with us. We’ve posted pictures of us at the Grand Canyon, scriptures that have touched us deeply, moments with our granddaughter, and other updates. This morning, as I lay awake in the too-dark-to-get-up-hours, I began to scroll through pictures that haven’t made the cut. These outtakes made me smile and reminded me of some simple things I’ve come to learn.

my family

I didn’t lose everything.

Initially, the enemy wanted me to believe that I had lost everything.  “You’ve lost your job… you’ve lost your reputation…you’ve lost friendships…you’ve lost your platform…you’ve lost your voice!” he laughed at me.

 But, really…I did not lose the most important thing. My husband and my children stood close to me on the day I disclosed my affair. It was not easy for them to do, but in their anger…they did not sin. They chose to forgive me over focusing on their pain. We’ve had hard moments. Ugly, tense, tear-filled moments. But we’ve had them together.

boys will be boys

There are young men watching it all. 

My husband did not sign up for this. He wouldn’t have chose it, and given the chance to redo it all, I wouldn’t have chose it for him either. But, here he is. An example to younger men. We have an all male college/young adult Lifegroup that meets in our home weekly, and these young men were told in the first week what was happening in our marriage. They have continued to gather in our home, and they are like family to us. As they come and go from our home, they have seen my husband talking and praying with me on our front porch on many occasions. The way he has treated me is penetrating them in ways they aren’t even fully aware. Seeds are being planted without them having a foreknowledge of their future trials. How will they respond if their wife should fail them in this way, or another? Will they ask her to leave? Will they punish her and treat her badly? Or will they walk with her through the mess she created? 

beach family

We get to share what we are learning. 

That’s such a great privilege. It’s one I don’t feel I deserve, but God has already begun to redeem this sin in this way. In the same way that young men are watching my husband and how he responds to me, we are watching our adult children differently. We are open and honest about the ways we neglected small issues early in marriage.They are asking questions and we are willing to share honestly–with a broadened perspective.  We are blessed to have this time with people who want to learn from our mistakes, so that they can make different choices…better choices.

us at the parkIsla at the park

We are going to be okay.

Sometimes it’s scary. Last week when the leaders of the church decided that there was no longer a job for my husband at the church, we were heartbroken. It felt like it would be the final blow when we were already down for the count. But, that’s not the truth. God is still on His throne. He wasn’t surprised by the affair, and He wasn’t surprised by the reaction of others. He has had a plan for us that included the responses of everyone involved. God is the redeemer of all.

isla selfie

God’s timing is perfect. 

When our daughter died in 1995, our younger son was an infant. Days after we buried her, I remember glancing over at our messy little nine-month-old boy in his high chair and saying, “well, hello.”

God had given me an infant to love at the darkest time in my life. My baby was completely dependent on me and he didn’t have a clue as to the depth of my pain. He just knew that he wanted his Momma. And here I am, nearly 20 years beyond those dark days,  and I have found myself revisiting some terrible days filled with terrible fears. And then there is Isla. God has given me this precious little granddaughter to love at one of the darker times in my life.

How can I doubt a God who took these things into consideration? He knew these wonderful hearts–the way they would be burdened by my sin, and He still showed mercy on me. I did not deserve the mercy I have found, and I will never be the same after experiencing it.