Tag: Change

I Beg Your Pardon, I Never Promised You a Pumpkin Garden
spiritual growth · Uncategorized

I Beg Your Pardon, I Never Promised You a Pumpkin Garden

Jacquelyn Sill1 Comment

So Fall is here, technically it arrived about a week ago, but for those of us who don’t have an alarm on our phones alerting us to its arrival on September 22, the season doesn’t arrive until the calendar flips to the month with the orange lettering. There are some things you should just wait for. Like Fall. And Christmas. And God’s promises to be fulfilled when it seems like maybe He has forgotten you, and you are sitting in the waiting room, and you begin to wonder if God left the building with a friend for a round of golf and a craft beer.

Psalm 27:13-14 has become a poignant verse for my husband and me over this year and last. It talks about waiting:

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”

Photo_6The verse was quoted to my husband and I when we met with the senior pastor of a large church in California following the announcement of my affair and the firing of my husband from his ministerial position. We went to the home of this pastor seeking advice and encouragement at one of the scariest times in our marriage. (Not, THE scariest time in our marriage…just one of them. Trust me, affairs may be bad news but, now that we are a little further away from it, my husband and I would both contest that burying our 19-month-old little girl was far more frightening).

When Pastor Chuck first said the verse I had images congruent with the TV show, The Walking Dead. My mind didn’t capture “the land of the living” without also imagining “the land of the no longer living”. My eyes rose from my sweaty glass of ice water, and looked across the sunny patio with a quizzical grimace. Pastor Chuck responded to the unspoken inquiry explaining that to see God’s goodness in the land of the living meant that we wouldn’t have to wait until we arrived in Heaven to see how God would use our terrible situation for good. We didn’t have to wait until the afterlife to have an understanding that everything was going to be okay. If we could be strong, wait for the Lord, and trust in His promises, we would see the hand of God and witness the unfolding of His plans while we were still alive on planet Earth.

This morning I happened across another verse that spoke of God’s promises:

“And because of His glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises.” 2 Peter 1:4

Photo_4He has given us precious promises. Wow. That lovely truth started my mind spinning to the variety of places claiming God’s promises. I remember hearing a hymn instructing me to stand on the promises of God. I’ve read where Corrie Ten Boom said “Let God’s promises shine on your problems”. And I once saw a really pretty meme with a sunset and a barn that said “God’s promises are like the stars; the darker the night the brighter they shine.” It has to be true if it has a sunset and barn, right?

But aside from accepting that God’s promises are true, my real question was, “What are His promises?” Because if I am waiting for something, I want to know what it looks like.

Photo_2As I began to pray, one thing became clear. I could see with clarity all the promises that are not from God. He never promised a lot of things that I hope for. God never promised that my vitamins would absorb, that the dog’s vet bill would be less than I made in tips last night, or that my hair color would last. He never promised that I wouldn’t need two new tires when it’s most inconvenient, or that Bank of America would wave their policies for loan approval. God didn’t promise that that your child’s self esteem would be high, or your interest rates low. He didn’t promise that your Mother-in-Law would be kind, that your neighbors would be friendly, or that you would conceive a child. He didn’t promise that our jobs would be fulfilling, that we would be cancer free, or that babies wouldn’t die. God never promised that there wouldn’t continue to be wrongful executions. He didn’t promise that slavery would end. He didn’t promise that we would no longer see injustice in our homes, our work places, our country and our world. He didn’t promise a lot of things I hope for.

PhotoSo what did he promise?

God promised that on our very worst day, He would be at His very best to conquer the demons who work to depress and diminish our spirits. God promised power to the weak and rest for the weary. He promised we would soar like eagles, not because our situation would change, but because our souls could be free.

And why should I care?

Because ultimately our desires sit on two different lists. The first set is the list of things that will show me and others that I’ve lived a righteous life. It can look material for some, but it’s not just about accumulating cars and houses. This is the list where you have a purpose in your job. It’s the list where you make a difference because you are using your gift; where the free will of others is significantly impacted by your influence. It’s the list where justice wins, sickness vanishes, and evil is revealed. It’s a good list, desirable indeed. The second list is what God does when those things don’t happen. It’s repetitive, but here goes: it’s finding peace and allowing things to be well with your soul when none of the things on the first list are happening.

Photo_1We are dependent on the second list because that is God’s promise. While the first list is glorious and certainly full of things I wouldn’t turn away, do you realize what happens when we have the first list without the second? If we were to receive all the things that we think we want, and not be clinging to God’s promise to sustain us when problems come knocking, do you know what we’d be? We would be a bunch of middle class Americans whining about all the other promises that were not fulfilled. In other words, to have the first set of promises fulfilled takes us exactly where we are today.

But why can’t I have both?

Because you’d stop caring about the second list. God knows us. And He knows what we can handle and what we cannot. And in as much as we believe that we were made to do great things, God knows that there are greater things than the achievements of man. The peace you find in Him pleases Him. Oh, you’ll still do great things, it just might be measured differently than you imagined. That’s a promise.

Gathering IFs
Community · spiritual growth

Gathering IFs

Jacquelyn Sill2 Comments

A close friend has invited me to attend the IF:Gathering, a Christian women’s conference meeting this February in Austin, Texas. The website for the IF:Gathering defines their organization’s goal: “We exist to gather, equip and unleash the next generation of women to live out their purpose.”

These young women are among the rising voices of the next generation: gifted visionaries, full of fervor. I am inspired by the way they are inspiring. I value the value others glean from the work they are doing.

So, when my friend asked if she could treat me to this event, I found her generous offer to be an act of love. I believe her desire is for inspiration to be rekindled within this weary soul. However, as soon as I accepted the invitation I began dreading the idea of being around these female world changers.

I found myself waking in the dark hours of the night questioning what purpose I might now have to offer the greater Christian community.   Rather than counting sheep or meditating on scripture, I found myself gathering my own IFs.

  • IF I had been a better wife
  • IF I had been honest with my struggles
  • IF I had been truly transparent with just one person
  • IF I had not thrown away the opportunity I had been given
  • IF only I were less _____________ (insert varying negative adjective)

With each IF gathered, I found my self-worth plummeting. The purpose to my life which is obvious and significant became overshadowed by a big bucket of gathered IFs.  God has called me to be the wife my husband desires and deserves: a helpmate. But with all these IFs gathered from past regrets–I wasn’t being much of a helpmate to anyone.

Like Jacob, I wrestled. Through the nights and in the quiet hours in my home, I kept asking, “After all I have done, how am I to find an IF that has significance?”

Finally one evening, in the unlikeliest of moments, God spoke. While busy working as a food server in a crowded restaurant, it was as if I heard God say to me very clearly, “You’re looking at it wrong.” 

FullSizeRender(4)I stopped dead cold and stared at the pitcher of Iced Tea in my hand. I glanced at the matching pitcher resting on the counter. It was filled with Ice Water. At first glance, both pitchers appeared the same, but their contents were not just slightly different, but completely different.

In that moment I realized the IFs I had been gathering were possibly focused in the wrong direction. I had been so busy asking God to give me meaning for the future, all the while focusing on the IFs of my past. Gathering IFs from my past is not just slightly different, but completely different.

I thought, “I need to be gathering IFs that are forward focused.”

As if having God speak to me while I waited tables at a restaurant wasn’t inspiring enough, God sealed this concept on my heart with something far more lasting than an Iced Tea pitcher. The next morning while working through my Bible study, I came across this passage from 1 John 3: 2-3

“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.”

FullSizeRender(3)My brain nearly exploded from the delight of being led to a verse holding forward focused promises. “What we will be has not yet been made known… When Christ appears, we shall be like him…”

Deep emotions are drawn to the surface at the thought of what this implies. This is a reminder that all we are isn’t even known. All that we are is still being made. And when Christ appears, we will be like him. To be like Him holds a different value than I had previously realized. To be like Christ means we will never disappoint anyone again.

  • How heartbreaking are the tears of full grown men when they recall memories of being a young child who disappointed a parent?
  • How many teenage girls have felt the sting of regret when they have eyed the positive results of a pregnancy test? Pregnant, scared and overwhelmed with grief for having disappointed her parents.
  • Which parent among us cannot recall a time when we failed our own child? Family game-night turned temper flaring war zone. When the opposite of what we hoped happens.
  • How many spouses see the patterns of disappointment in their own marriage, but can’t seem to break “that one habit”?  Disappointing a spouse, leaving them feeling isolated is horrifying, as it is the only family relationship we choose.

Thinking of these things makes it worth repeating: to be like Christ means we will never disappoint anyone again.

I contemplated this verse for a couple of days, and I was reminded again of the two beverage containers. They appear to be very similar, but their difference is extreme.

FullSizeRender(1)The IFs I am gathering are not only supposed to be forward focused, but they aren’t even supposed to be about me.

I found myself remembering that which I thought I had understood the day before–and I rephrased it, “I need to be gathering IFs that are God focused without worry or concern for His greater purpose in my life.”

By gathering IFs of His character, we begin now to be transformed into that which we will be when Christ is revealed. Does this mean we will never disappoint anyone ever again? Certainly not. We are still children in need of Grace. It’s not about being free from ever hurting or disappointing anyone again, it’s about being free from the hurting/yearning/scheming inside ourselves and thereby never intentionally hurting others again. Searching desperately for purpose can lead us straight down the path where we wander away from the path of understanding.

IF we remain focused on Him, He will reveal each days purpose, thereby relieving us of the drive to find a greater purpose, as it is already complete.

The Twenty-Seventh List
affair recovery · marriage

The Twenty-Seventh List

Jacquelyn Sill17 Comments

The Twenty-Seventh ListTomorrow is the day of our Twenty-Seventh Wedding Anniversary. For 10 months I’ve wondered what this day will feel like. There has been a list of reasons why this day was to be dreaded.

After any crisis, when we encounter holidays, birthdays and anniversaries, there is added weight to the calendar. We learned about this nearly two decades ago after our daughter died. When we were in the beginning stages of grieving, her birthday didn’t just arrive. It occurred in extremes. As we moved closer to the date, with no party to plan, our mood shifted downward. Then there was the mind-blowing low as we acknowledged the reality that our nineteen-month old would never age, accompanied by a calm peace as we (somehow) survived this knowledge. Throughout the actual date of her birthday, friends and family reached out and demonstrated their love to us, and we were catapulted to a high. Their acts of kindness lifting us heavenward, towards her. Towards Him.

This crisis of marital infidelity takes out stones and lodges them at my calendar. A heavy awareness of broken vows weighs me down when I think of my wedding anniversary. My own mind throws the stones, and each stone tears a hole in the calendar, as if it is trying to rip the 18th of December from time and erase it completely.

You see, when we celebrate we are essentially saying, “Good job!” After an affair, do we utter such an absurdity? It feels false. It feels as authentic as congratulating a drunk driver for surviving a collision. Sitting here, the day before our Anniversary, my mind reels at the thought of how we will navigate through the day.

Overhead clouds roll in and respond to my aching heart. As the dark rain clouds release themselves, everything slows down for a few hours. I look out the window and watch as the desert ground absorbs the moisture, and I wonder if this year, this horribly-hard-year, is to be the defining year for our marriage. Will the betrayal of last year absorb itself into our lives for good? There are twenty-seven years to consider, but it seems as if it all comes back to this horribly-hard-year.

I find myself trying to remember something significant from each year we’ve been married. There has to be more to our marriage than this horribly-hard-year. If this is the sum of it all then let the stones have their way and rip this date from the existence of time. Without a verbal prompt, I grab a dry-erase marker and board. I begin to make a list.

I list memorable moments in our marriage. I try to think of everything that may stand out in each of the twenty-seven years. I use a calculator to keep track of the years and the ages of our children. Over the course of the afternoon, I continue listing small, somewhat meaningless events and activities.

I am making what I call The Twenty-Seventh List, but I stop before I’ve reached the end. I am afraid to list anything from the horribly-hard-year. Our marriage is made up of so much more than what we’ve been living through lately.

The Twenty-Seventh List: (an overview)

I note the times we have relocated because of ministry. Three weeks after our wedding, rather than taking a job where we could stay near family, we began our marriage by relocating to another state and taking the responsibility of a full time ministry position. It was just the two of us and we were beyond frightened, but we believed that God would provide us a community and life in the unfamiliar land.

I note the homes we have bought together; there were four. My husband and I have survived escrow together on four occasions–surely that alone is worth some type of celebration.

I note the animals who have been a part of our family. Dogs & cats, turtles & fish–too many to disclose. The names of each animal bringing about a memory that causes a grin or a grimace. Which memory was the most heartbreaking? It’s a tie between, Sami-girl, everyone’s favorite poodle mix who disappeared one Fourth of July, and Maximas the black Godfather cat who was run down in front of our home on Christmas Eve.

I note the four greatest blessings to ever grace the home of an undeserving couple.  In the seventh year of our marriage, for a short amount of time, we lived in a household with all four of our children. Everyone was born and no one had died. Every night there were four little bodies to feed and bathe. Jammies had feet, cups had lids, and everyone had a blankie. We were aware that time was fleeting, but we weren’t aware that everyone’s clock wasn’t set to the same timer.

I note the day our daughter died. Passion turned to depression. Pain turned to more pain. Hard turned to perseverance.

I note the bicycles, scooters and cars given as gifts. The dance attire and graduation gowns. The California Missions projects, photo shoots, and science fair failures. I note the piano lessons gone wrong and baseball games gone well. I note the yard sales, overseas missions trips, and sleepovers. I note the wedding engagements and the evolving nature of our still extending family.

I note the day our daughter told us we were to be grandparents. An unexpected fear had come over me when she shared her news. I knew what it felt like to love and lose a child. For her to love greatly would mean that one day she may hurt greatly.

I note the look on our granddaughter’s face two weeks ago. When this little one came to visit, she knew us. This little perfect girl knew her Papa and Mimi.

10448699_10152640953166970_4820699958563815258_oHere’s the thing. Not one good thing on the list makes the whole of our marriage anymore than any one failure makes the whole of our marriage. To survive this horribly-hard-year we are reliant on grace. To survive any marriage, the players are reliant on grace. A wedding anniversary is a day to celebrate a series of days where two people were successful at treating one another with more grace than either one deserved. This year we are celebrating twenty-seven years of failures and successes. Neither being more significant than the other. Our failures have worked their own good, in the same way that our successes have been stumbling blocks.

Tomorrow is the day of our Twenty-Seventh Wedding Anniversary. For 10 months I’ve wondered what this day will feel like. There is a list of reasons why this day is to be celebrated.

That One Time You Had to Move Heavy Rocks in the Desert #Beautiful #Growth
spiritual growth

That One Time You Had to Move Heavy Rocks in the Desert #Beautiful #Growth

Jacquelyn Sill6 Comments

This morning in an effort to encourage, my friend reached across the state line via text messaging and shared with me her daily devotional.  I had gone to bed the night before feeling restless and sad.  No one else knew how I was feeling, but the emotions had translated into a lot of tossing and turning in the night. Waking to her encouragement was timely, and I pondered on the passage she had shared.

As I sat with the verses, I could hear God calling me towards humility. I hadn’t thought of myself as being prideful, but suddenly, I could see my need to be humble before God. Alone at my kitchen table, I ate my breakfast and I communicated with God. I prayed out loud and admitted the areas of pride to which I have been selfishly clinging. I asked His forgiveness and sought His help to relinquish my self-imposed expertise on any matter involving my heart. My heart is an untrustworthy vessel, and it will only be through the transformation of the Holy Spirit that I will ever again trust its workings.

In this breakfast rendezvous with God, I remembered that His love is still greater than our failings. God’s mighty hand rules over us in pure gentleness. Like warm syrup falling across a waffle, his love embeds itself into us and into the crevasses we make available to him. The places we allow Him access to will be transformed by His love. The places we hold onto–will not change. We are incapable of change. He does the transforming–not us.

After finishing my breakfast, I looked at my list of things I needed for the day’s task.  My task for today was to begin the backyard remodel in our new home. The first step in our remodel is to move several hundred river rocks from the center of the backyard to the side yard. I was going to need some sturdy work gloves and a wheelbarrow.

Backyard pre-remodel

As I drove to the hardware store to purchase the wheelbarrow, something caught my eye. The streets had a different look about them. The rain had come to town for the last couple days, and now that it was gone–the flowers were in full bloom. When you live in the desert, you don’t miss a new blossom. I smiled at the thought of what the next year will be like–experiencing a new landscape with each new season.

Returning home I went right to work moving the rocks. It was a cooler day–92 degrees at 11:19 AM–so it seemed like as good of a time as any to jump in and make some progress. As I began to move the rocks, I was full of energy. I used each rock as a tool in my current challenge to memorize the book of James. With each stone I would say a word as I tossed it into the brand new wheelbarrow.

“James (clink) a (clink) servant (clink) of (clink) God (clink)…”

photo(2)I was certain that with each stone I moved, I was making a difference in the terrain of our yard. My husband would return home pleased with my progress, and he would be relieved that the heavy work was not all falling to him.

That lasted for about three loads in the no-longer-new wheelbarrow. I had just finished quoting James 2:13, Mercy (clink) triumphs (clink) over (clink) judgement (clink), when I turned to judge my rock moving, terrain changing progress.

River RocksNo change.

I slowly slid to the ground and sat on the hot stones. I used the back of my gloved hand to wipe the sweat off my forehead, and tried not to cry.

THIS IS TOO MUCH. THIS IS TOO HARD.

I could feel the heartache from the night before climbing back up in my chest. It was a determined climb–more determined than it had been in the morning. It was steadfast and mean, and it didn’t need help from a wheelbarrow to make the journey from my heart to my mind and then from my mind to my heart. The passageway was clear for travel. I began to survey the task I was attempting and compare it to what other people were probably doing.

My imagination began to build stories:

  • Other women, women of value, are dressed fashionably today–I am in a tattered, sweaty t-shirt.
  • Other women, women I admire, are spending their day accomplishing great deeds in the Kingdom of the Lord–I am moving rocks.
  • Other women, every other woman in the world, had the foresight to protect her household, to honor her husband, and to treat the people who trusted her with respect–I am a failure.

I sat on the hot river rocks and began to cry.

The tears were unpleasant, and because my hand was gloved, I couldn’t even wipe them away. The moment could have been lovely. In a field with flowers and shade trees–God could come and surround me and give me His comfort. But, not in this desert. There is no comfort among rocks.

“Humble yourself, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6

And with the scripture came an image of the color purple. My mind reeled back to the drive I had made earlier in the day. When I had pulled into the parking lot at Home Depot, the shrubs that I had seen several times since moving two weeks ago were blooming with brilliance. It was stunning and I was so moved by the plants, I pulled over to take pictures.

What moved me was that in God’s timing–He had changed the plants. They seemed to have erupted overnight. I had driven through the parking lot two days prior and didn’t see one flower, but in God’s due time, He had created something beautiful. So lovely that I couldn’t help but stop in the middle of the hardware parking lot, among the contractors in their trucks, and snap pictures of the lovely shrubs.

Home Depot, ArizonaLike parking lot attendants promoted to Royalty, they stood proudly, displaying their new attire for the season. After a time of rain, the King had clothed them in splendor. 

Purple majesty in ArizonaHe didn’t require anything from plants for the beauty in which He had so lavishly splayed on them, but they couldn’t help but lift their delicate branches upward–reaching to Him and giving Him the glory and honor that was due.

Bee in flight on lovely purple Arizona flowering shrubEven the smallest creatures were drawn to the beauty of the flowering shrubs. A bumblebee mid-flight snapped shots of the new blossoms, so that later he might Instagram his find. #newnectar #queensdelight

It amazes me how feeble our hearts can be. If we put our trust in the emotions that we feel throughout the day–we can find ourselves in a hot whirlwind of confusion. Lost in the desert, while holding a map and compass. Everything that this world offers proves to be untrustworthy. If we put our faith in the stories we conjure up in our imaginations, if we spend even one moment comparing our lives to the unrealistic life of someone else–we are doomed.  God wants to be involved in every step of this lifelong journey, not so we won’t fail. God isn’t afraid of our failures. He expects them, allows for them, but never, never turns away. He is on His throne in the midst of all that seems insurmountable, and He is also in the dirt lifting us up during those same insurmountable trials.  Through His methods He is transforming our lives from something hard and uninspired into something useful and lovely.

Moving rocks in the heat can feel torturous–but it is, yet, for a season. There is no reason to strive and worry. This is but a season, and each season has its own kind of beauty.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1