I am not in Egypt anymore. I left Egypt less than two weeks ago, kicking and screaming the whole way out. I wish I could say that I ran from Egypt with my heart completely ready for the journey I was about to face…but I didn’t. I was an Israelite who would have stayed in that place of slavery had God not intervened to save me. The slavery of that sinful place had become familiar and comfortable. Miserable as I was, I clung to it.

Many things happen to a person when they allow themselves to become engulfed in a secret sin for any amount of time. Having a secret from everyone–changes you. Having a secret that I shared with only one other person for a significant amount of time created a bond to that secret and to that sin. Breaking away is not easy. I want it to be easy, but let’s be real, if it was easy to break away…would I REALLY be breaking away? Or would I simply be pushing it down in an effort to say the things that others want to hear, only to be drawn back to it at a later date?

I am not in the Promised Land. I know the stories of this land, but I can’t see it. It’s in the distance, and right now–it’s difficult to believe it really does exist. So each day, I pull my mind away from Egypt in faith and pray for God to move me toward the Promised Land.

I was unfaithful to the man who loves me, and he has chosen to walk in authenticity to a place of healing. Marriage is hard, even without an unfaithful spouse. God in His sovereignty has blessed me with a husband who wants to arrive in the Promise Land with me. Our goal is not the marriage that we once had. Our goal is the marriage we have never known.

So while I make efforts to be sensitive to those around me who have been injured by my sin, I also work to be honest with what is happening inside me. Allowing a sin to control me for as long as it did makes it difficult to deal with the thoughts I am battling. Facing moments of insecurity–which are greater now than ever before–cannot be dealt with in the way I had become accustomed to dealing with them. It’s not possible to sooth myself in the manner I had become accustomed to soothing myself. I have to relearn how to walk in faith.

Hebrews 11:26 recalls the faith of Moses; “considering the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures of Egypt for he was looking to the reward.”

Every moment of every day is stripped, scrubbed, bathed and wrapped in prayer. Every motive that arises within me is questioned in light of the scriptures I am washing through my mind. Living new again in repentance, I have to retrain my thinking to believe the truths of God’s Word will free me. I have to deny the desire to believe the lies that once held my heart so tightly.  I find comfort in knowing that while there are moments that I feel like I do not have the faith of Moses, God has surrounded me with others who do. When I don’t know how to pray, I call out to others to pray for me.

I will not go back to Egypt. In faith, I will consider the reproach of Christ greater riches and keep believing in the reward that lies ahead.