How could I maintain such a false life?

Why would I make choices that I know are wrong? Why would I lie to the people who love me? Why would I risk hurting so many innocent people? Why would I protect my sin so fiercely? How could I see myself as more important than the truth?  How could I move through each day with what appeared to be joy when there was such depravity and sadness happening inside of me? Didn’t I know this would cause immeasurable damage?

As little as two weeks ago, I could not sit alone with these thoughts. It was too painful to acknowledge the truth of what I was doing. The sin was the only thing that could take my mind off of the truth of the situation. The sin seemed like the only relief from the pain that the sin was causing.

Being bound up by my choices, I had created a hell that I could not escape. I created a situation that was a viscous cycle of lies and continual betrayal. I was not in it alone, but I was alone while in it. I had isolated myself. I pushed people away, while skillfully making them think I was being transparent. I kept conversations light and covered my shame and fears with humor. I could not let down my guard even for one moment.

EXPOSURE = ADULTERESS

There is nothing anyone could say about me that I haven’t already said about myself. To imagine what you are capable of is minimal with knowing the truth of that which you are capable. People who love me want to protect me from the “A” word. People who love me want to protect me from wearing a scarlet letter. People who love me want to minimize the shame that I will face. I plead with them to stop protecting me. I feel these things to the depth of my innermost being. What someone else may think is minimal compared to what I know.

EXPOSURE = TRUTH

It’s 4 AM in the morning and I sit on my front porch holding my bible. In the darkness I know the world is spinning. The light from the sun is breaking the darkness, and the world spins into a new day. For the first time–in a very long time–I am not trying to out-spin it. Love pours down on a soul that has lived for a long time waiting for judgement. The love hurts. Judgement feels appropriate. Having the anger poured out against me would be easier than the grace with which I’ve been met.

Disclosure of the affair meant exposure. Disclosure meant consequences. Exposure and consequences are painful.

The pain washes over me…this is my new reality. I close my eyes and listen to the silent morning, trying to pull the silence into me and soften the blow of the voices that scream out in pain. I heard my own voice crying out for a long time. In moments, the pain exploded everywhere. One voices multiplied into several. Several multiplied into hundreds. I did this.  I long for the time when the pain was just my own and I was not responsible for the pain of others.